Milkshake Madness

On Taresa,

I swear,

EVERY fast food spot,

NATIONWIDE,

has a clause that states:

Due to company policy and regulation, the apparatus that prepares milkshakes is to NOT be used after the hour of 9 p.m.

If a customer asks for a milkshake, please refrain from informing them of this policy.

We have other ways of redirecting their attention.

If the customer is in the drive-thru, you can state that the 'milkshake machine' is either broken, broke, not working, down, out of order, etc.

If the customer is inside the store, then please make sure that the apparatus has the included 'Out Of Order' sign posted on the front panel, or if said signage is unavailable, make sure that the apparatus is not only turned off, but unplugged as well.

We do not want customers to think that milkshakes will be available all day, because they are not.

-Management

Either way,

as Deacon Moss said,

"This is some baby back bullshit!"

Don't believe me?!

Try it.

Go to a fast food spot, after 9 pm, and ask for a shake.

You'll get played.

Be Real...

With the release of Rolling Papers today,

Imma need for Mr. Khalifa to be real.

Muthafucka,

you are REALLY from California, right?!

That delivery?!

Excessive smoking?!

C'mon son.

You prolly just wanna do something different and put Pittsburgh on, right?

If so,

that's real.

I respect it.

But,

honestly,

LET'S BE REAL!!!

Movie Spotlight: The Departed

In today's installment, I have to recognize the OSCAR AWARD-WINNING FILM that is

The Departed.

I can't front,

when this film came out,

I DID sleep on it.

Back when I was in school,

and my girl,

at the time,

had mentioned it be in GREAT film,

and niggas was talkin about it.

So one day it was on the telly,

So a bruva took a gander.

I have to admit,

I WAS impressed on all levels of cinematographic criticism.

Aside from this being an AWESOME film that depicts a Leonardo Dicaprio and Matt Damon playing two moles on opposite sides of the law,

as well as Jack Nicholson playing a mob boss,

the dialogue in this one is AWESOME AS HALE!!!

Kinda like Any Given Sunday,

EXCEPT,

The Departed is full of wonderful quips, insults, and soo much sarcasm that it DEFINITELY made it into my Top 10!

AND,

I have to crown Mark Wahlberg too,

cuz he STAYED angry throughout the WHOLE film!

If you haven't seen it,

you're slippin.

You are definitely missing out on a GOOD piece of film.

Oh yea, and Anthony Anderson's chubby ass in it too.

Did you REALLY just say that to me?!

I like to joke and have fun.

Part of this is talking shit, and I'm pretty damn good at it too.

Yes, I've said some things I wish I had not,

BUT,

it is what it is.

It is TRULY amazing the power that people give words and the meanings behind them.

It's all funny to me tho.

You ever been SOO pissed that you HONESTLY do NOT recall ANYTHING that you JUST said to someone?

I know that I have NOT.

Thank God.

I CAN say though, that on 2 different occasions, I have made someone cry.

Am I proud of this?

No.

Was I joking?

Probably.

Will it happen again?

I don't know.

Yes, I AM a card-carrying asshole.

You can thank my exes, parents, my uncle, and my brother for this.

However.

I WILL say this though,

just as good as I am at dishing it,

I am even BETTER at taking it.

Humor is one thing that I am SOOOO blessed to have a STRONG sense of.

Therefore it takes SOOO much to get to me.

I mean, yes, words DO hurt,

BUT,

not as much as someone knockin the shit out of you.

I'm just sayin.

"The 100 Greatest Movie Insults of All Time" showcases the mean, crude, ridiculous, raunchy, and extra stuff that people can, will, and have said to one another.

The shit is funny to me though.

It does also include some screen gems like New Jack City, Full Metal Jacket, Glengarry Glen Ross, and even Gone With The Wind.

Hey, it's a cold world.

People can be mean.

Ah well...

Oh, and the FUNNIEST SHIT I HAVE EVER HEARD is at 9:16.

P.S. there IS a part 2.

Memories...

The 90's looked so fun...

I'm a good man.

Shoutout to Raphael Saadiq for his song "Good Man".

It's a REAL song with PLENTY of truth to it.

Like, no matter WHAT we do or say, it's never enough.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the sad part about it.

And in the end,

when he's looking for the way out,

She wants to straighten up and fly right,

but it's too late.

Who's fault is that?

I had a chick BASICALLY tell me once that she ain't want me, unless another chick did.

Wow.

So Player.

Johnny "Guitar" Watson's last words were:

"Ain't that a bitch"

Player.

Where you at: Jimmy Cozier

"Sometime's I love her"

"Sometime's I love her not"

Everybody remembers that song, but who remembers the artist?

CLEARLY it's Jimmy Cozier (if you read the title)

That dude had like 2 joints, and a smash with "She's All I Got".

I know, cuz I was a fan and STAYED singing that to my girl, at the time..

Where the hell is he tho?!

I mean he ALLEGEDLY put out an album last year,

but who knew about it?!

Don't worry.

I'll wait.

And here I was thinking that yella brothas was on the move.

Guess not.

T-Mobile is STILL wack, as hell.

With the recent merger, or possible merger, of AT&T and T-Mobile, all I can do is laugh.

Why?

Well, one of the reasons T-Mobile fired a broham was because I had an iPhone, and didn't BLEED T-Mobile.

The other reason was because customers were complaining that I was rude.

They too, can eat a dick.

But I digress.

This move will be promising for both ends, and ESPECIALLY for T-Mobile considering that shitty ass service, as well as, them shitty ass phones too.

Either way tho,

T-Mobile can still SUCK IT!!!

Don Cheadle is EVERYWHERE!!!

When I say that Don Cheadle is everywhere, that is just what the hell I mean.

DON CHEADLE IS EVERYWHERE!!!

Granted, the man has a LONG list of film credits, cameos and appearances.

But damn.

This nigga is EVERY. FUCKIN. WHERE.

Meteor Man is a classic film, and he portrayed the character "Goldilocks".

With the success of the "Ocean's" franchise, and the late Bernie Mac (RIP) having a hit show, OF COURSE he had an appearance as Bernie's hustlin' cousin, "Cousin D".

I bet folks didn't know that before he played "Ice Tray" on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, he had ALREADY BEEN ON TV 10 TIMES AND ALSO 5 MOVIES!!!

Out Of Sight was a decent George Clooney flick, and here he is rockin the bandana as Maurice Miller.

One of my FAVORITE films, AS WELL AS SCENES, was him in Rush Hour 2 as Kenny, a black man with a chinese restaurant on Crenshaw, who was embarrassing himself.

I have to give Bulworth, Rosewood, Devil In A Blue Dress, and Boogie Nights honorable mention too tho.

I mean, everyone knows Traffic, Iron Man 2, Swordfish, Hotel Rwanda, and such.

BUT,

I BET they didn't know he was shuckin and jivin for Angela Winbush?!

We ain't goin steady...

Shoutout to Rocko for putting out a song that EVERY man can relate to.

Sometimes you just gotta be up front and fuck up them feelings.

And then she got the AUDACITY to act funny.

You knew what this was from jump.

So don't act all unfamiliar NOW and such...

Your bad.

I heard....

You know what's a fun thing to do?

Catching somebody up in some mess,

Or

Having someone tell on themselves.

I realized that folks get nervous as hell when you start the conversation with,

"I heard about you..."

At that moment, they have to comb their entire memory banks about what sick and twisted ridiculous shit that they have gotten into that they REFUSE to get out in public.

Or

Depending on the person and the relationship, what have they done that this other person does NOT know about.

So I like to have fun with this.

Cuz it's ALWAYS the same reaction:

What you hear!?

With SOOOO much panic in their voice.

And depending on what is said next, that's the point when folks tell on themselves.

Oh,

My bad,

Cleaning up their story.

I was JUST joking...

Tiger "Smokin" Woods

Honestly, with all the scrutiny that is following Tiger Woods and the troubles that have befallen him, I think he should do something unexpected and out of his character.

Like open a barbecue restaurant.

I mean, remember, he IS mixed, and I KNOW he's ate his share of rib tips.

I can see it now,

"Tiger 'Smokin' Woods BBQ"

"Hole in one!"

Nobody does it better....

Yesterday, March 15, 2011, Nathaniel Hale bka Nate Dogg, was called home.

He was 41.

In 2007, he had suffered from a stroke, and then again in 2008, but this has yet to be determined if it was linked to his death.

The man leaves a catalogue of hits and features, and the CRAZY thing is that I mentioned him in my post about Head of State, and then the next day he dies.

Ice Cube was right though,

"It must be a single if Nate Dogg singin' on it"

Nobody Does It Better, Boss's Life (the Akon version wasn't AS soulful), Lay Low, and I Got Love are some of my favorite Nate Dogg tracks and features.

How bout my dad was even a fan?!

I recall back when I was getting my license and he would pick me up from driver's ed, "Area Codes" would ALWAYS come on the radio (cuz that's when it was hot), and Phillip would catch his groove EVERY TIME!!!

Even to this day, when that song comes on, he still sings "Is it cuz the love my handsome faaaaaaaaaacce"

The man was EVEN featured in an episode of the Boondocks!

The rap game, as well as the music industry as a whole, has TRULY lost a crooner and an icon.

RIP.

STOP LYING!!!

It's quite amazing how a black male over the age of 22 will sit up with a straight face and DENY that they EVER listened to Ja Rule and that they were NEVER EVER EVER a fan.

I mean, honestly, he DID fall off.

BUT let's be real.

When he WAS on top of things, songs like "Holla Holla" and "Can I Get A..." STAYED getting played.

Everywhere.

Then here comes Curtis.

People can say that 50 Cent "exposed" Ja Rule for what he was not.

Not arguing that.

Even though 50 may have demolished his career, he kinda stole his style though.

If you wanna argue that, then you're an idiot.

Songs like "I Cry" and "Between Me And You" had Mr. Rule singing hooks, and guess what extra swole bully is STILL singing.

I respect Ja Rule, and his catalogue is pretty solid, even when he came back.

Songs like "New York" and "Clap Back" were hot.

BUT when it comes to someone having his songs in their library, as Murphy Lee said,

"You cannot sit up and tell me that you have none, man. You may not have 3 or 4, but you got 1, man!?"

No NFL?!

Uh oh...

If the NFL don't hurrup and get it together, that could only mean one thing......

Movie Spotlight: Head of State

What do Morgan Freeman, Blair Underwood, Dennis Haysbert, Eddie Murphy, and Chris Rock all have in common??

They ALL have played the role of a BLACK President of the United States of America.

Yes, Chris Rock and Eddie Murphy too.

I mean, Distinguished Gentlemen was cool and all, but that was based on a conman running and winning.

Head of State is about a regular, every day, black man gaining the spot of Commander and Chief, as well as focusing more on American government and it's policies.

Mays Gilliam, is an alderman who is MAINLY concerned with his local area's issues, when he gets thrown into a situation to potentially run for U.S. President.

The funny shit is that he actually DOES win.

If you haven't seen the film, I guess I just ruined it, huh?

Fuck it.

There are plenty of cameos including Bernie Mac (RIP) playing his brother, as well as, his running mate.

Oh yea, and Nate Dogg was on the hook too.

Fun Fact: During the 2008 Presidential Election, this film was on every other night, and me and Alex made sure to tune in for the laughs.

I now join you with the Jay-Z song already in progress.

Faith

Ya know, I'm not usually one for propaganda and skeptics, but with everything that is going on in the world right now, I think folks need to be more aware.

Keep the faith.

Derrick Rose for MVP?

What up wit this MVP, foh?

Jamie Valentine is AWESOME!

In this world, there are two things I love: sneakers and women.

And when the two come together, it is a WONDROUS event.

Bangbros.com took this concept to the next level.

Adult film star, Jamie Valentine, has gained herself a new fan for 2 reasons:

1. She's cute and has spectacular lips.

2. She wore REAL Air Jordan 13s (My favorite mikes) in a scene!

Even though she has huge boobs and not much back work, the fact that she wore mikes while having sex on camera gained her SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many points.

I see yo' little Columbian ass!

You can't stop the reign...

Today marks 14 years since Christopher Wallace aka Notorious BIG was shot and killed in L.A.

Although the murder is still unsolved, the man's music is STILL hot today.

Often, I wonder, like many people, what the game would be like if Big hadn't died.

Where would things be?

Who would and would NOT be hot?

Would Puff be the career killer that he is today?

You can't front on the guy though, cuz he was a storyteller with CRAZY joints and RIDICULOUS features.

I woke up to rain this morning, and the first song I HAD to play (and have on repeat) was "You Can't Stop The Reign".

Even though it is Shaq's song, Big showed his big ass on it.

And like the man,

It remains a classic.

Period.

A sneakerhead's prayer.

I'd rather have Jesus, than Mikes and Dunk Lows...

Mardi Gras Trip: DENIED

Welp, due to circumstances out of my hands and people not having everything together, the Mardi Gras trip of 2011 has been called off.

Upset?

A little.

BUT, I kinda figured it wasn't gonna happen cuz I talked it up to much and I was NOT the driver.

Remember Murphy's Law:

"Anything that CAN happen, WILL happen."

This is why I always drive, cuz I woulda BEEN on Bourbon Street, ignorant.

BUT it is, what, it is.....

Wikipedia, you've failed.

Me, being a LONG time advocate of Wikipedia, and hearing the rumors of fakery and phoniness, I was STILL was dedicated.

Many a term paper, essay, group project, or reference has relied heavily on the wonderful resource that is Wikipedia.

But today, I was let down.

And this, right here, is why.

Boo Season. It was real....I think.. (revised)

Well, as many of you know, the weather is changing.

Leaves are turning green.

Birds are chirping.

Bugs are buzzing.

And it all only means one thing........

BOO SEASON IS COMING TO AN END!!!

Don't get me wrong though.

I'm quite sure for most, it was a good time.

I know mine was....

I mean, the feeling of having someone to do things with, go to sleep and wake up to, and generally be all up under is a beautiful thang.

BUT with warm weather comes heat, and heat brings discomfort.

Arguments about nonsense, disappearing acts, wanting to be alone, and canceling dates, are all symptoms of an ending situation.

Folks are getting that itch.

Clothes are starting to come off, and certain body parts are starting to get exposed on the regular that were NOT during previous months.

Especially with Spring Break on the horizon..

So if your boo starts trippin out of no where, don't be upset, and don't get worried. Just be happy that between the months of October to February, someone made you feel special.

And for that alone, you should be thankful.

Cuz honestly, whatever they have a problem with now, they ALWAYS did, they were just dealing with it before.

But not anymore.

Now for those relationships that stood the test of time and outlasted boo season, I tip my fitted to you.

BUT keep in mind, it is JUST March.

Summer ain't here yet.

So no surprises.........

Fred Rogers was too cool

Mr. Rogers was MAAAD cool growning up, but after seeing this, he has been cemented as one of the coolest old white guys, period.

Mr. Wizard can suck it.

An easy trade off.

Personally, I feel like for every beating you received as a child, that should be one free cussing out of the parent that administered said beating.

For example, if you got beat 5 GOOD times (and ya'll know what a GOOD beating is), that should be 5 times in your adult life that you should be able to cuss ya folks out.

That is a good trade off, right?

Cuz there has been PLENTY of times that I just wanna look my mama in the square in the face, and with the UTMOST sincerity, be like, "Would you PLEASE shut the fuck up?!"

I love my mama, to death.

Without her, there would be no me.

But geez.

When it comes to Phillip, I would rather go along the lines of, "Shit could be SOOOOO easier, but you would rather fuck that up."

Don't get me wrong, I'm an advocate for beating a child, if they need it.

BUT there should be a trade off!

In addition to...

Yet, at how old does one need to be to STOP flickin the camera off?!

I mean, foreal.

Whodi

In lieu of the events of the next few days, I need to get my mindset correct.

This is step one:

Ya heard meh?

You are too cute, and that sucks..

You know what sucks?

You see a chick.

She's bad.

All the way.

You all start rappin (yea, I said it).

And something is QUITE off in her conversation.

Then, at that moment.

You realize that she is dumb as hale.

History has shown that women are SUPPOSED TO BE smarter than men, but yo' dumb ass if fuckin' up the curve.

Although, what is funny is that if they ALL knew the actual REAL power that they DO have, men wouldn't stand a chance.

But that's another topic.

I know this chick that is cute as hell and flexible as fuck (the irony here is that we have not done the grown up).

Upon conversation with her, I felt my IQ dropping, quite slowly though.

Like, how did her high school let her leave?

I felt that at the end of the conversation, I needed to apply a "dunce" cap to her head, and tell her to go stand over there.

I should've known better when we started talkin about GREEK stuff, and she's not greek.

And then we get to arguing.

At that moment, I shoulda told myself to go stand over there.

Jimmy McMillian was wrong.

Fuck rent.

GAS IS TOO DAMN HIGH!!!

Torrance Imthebest Alexander

At what age should folks give up them silly facebook middle names?

That question is congruent with at what age should one give up their cute text messages signature?

Mardi. Gras. 2011.

Oh yea, so I got invited to take a trip to New Orleans this weekend for Mardi Gras, and I'm a tad bit amped.

I've never been to New Orleans, but i've seen plenty of films that were based on the city, before and after Katrina. So this should be fun.

I mean, honestly, other than the beads, breasts, and booze, I don't know what else to look forward too...

Oh yea..

REAL CREOLE FOOD!!!

I mean, I've been to Pappadeaux and all, but still.

[cues up Juvenile - Ha]

Clubs suck.

I hate dress codes.

Period.

Even in a workplace environment, the shit is wack, as hale.

Yet, when it comes to social events such as goin to clubs, if I can't wear sneakers, why be there?!

Like, a pullover, button down/up (whatever), or a COLLARED shirt in general is cool, and i've been wearing khakis lately too, BUT if I gotta rock church shoes, i'll pass.

If I came out to have fun, comfort is my TOP priority.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I DO know how to dress for certain occasions, and I wouldn't plan on rockin lounge wear or my workout clothes, BUT I don't wanna feel like i'm going to a JOB INTERVIEW at 11pm on a Friday night.

How bout this though, why is it that the clubs that don't have dress codes tend to be more hood or underage?!

Like older people with class don't like to be casual when they go out or something!?

And when I DO go out, I can't just kick it.

Apparently, I HAVE to talk to females, and buy expensive drinks with hardly ENOUGH liquor in them to take my mind off the fact that I just spent my car note to get into this muthafucka!

Otherwise, I'm forced to be one of the dudes just standing on the side, looking.

I got a friend that doesn't go ANYWHERE "comfortable". Like she STAYS goin to these uppity ass spots, and REFUSES to go to places that are "sneaker friendly". Then she always talkin bout we should do something or go somewhere. Why and where?? Cuz with what I got on, the ONLY places imma get into is shit we can do during the day.

I'm good.

Words With People I Know.

Words With Friends (Torranceisthebest) is a fun game, if you have a smartphone.

At first it started out as just an iPhone app, but as of recently, Android folks can partake in the activities as well.

If you play, or have played Scrabble, then you should be quite familiar with the game and how it goes.

Now, i've won plenty, and lost a few, but what's funny is when i'm REALLY whoopin someone's ass, they think i'm cheating.

Not.

Apparently, I can't have an extensive vocabulary or something.

Either way, with ONLY 4 words in, and I already got 123 pts, you need to be upset with your previous educational system.

No good.

Follow a broham

@Torranceisbest